


pick up all the pieces (and go back to the start)

by signsoflight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, F/F, F/M, Grounder Culture, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss, Reincarnation, leader clarke, like it's described but she doesn't die on screen kind of thing, this is also me torturing Clarke whoops, this is just me defending Clarke's decisions forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24488779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signsoflight/pseuds/signsoflight
Summary: Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she had expected, or even wanted, from this new Commander-to-be. Wanted was a bad word to use: Clarke didn’t want any of this. Clarke didn’t want to see the new Heda kneel, Madi clearly nervous and hiding it badly. She didn’t want to have to pretend that she was fine with this, facing the ambassadors and facing this new child as Titus recited traditional words and rites that Clarke didn’t care to listen to. She wanted Lexa, and she wanted to be left in peace and to claim happiness that she was becoming more and more convinced she wasn’t going to be allowed.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Echo, Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin & Madi, Clarke Griffin & Nathan Miller, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	pick up all the pieces (and go back to the start)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [constant as the northern star](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19730107) by [rushvalleys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rushvalleys/pseuds/rushvalleys). 



> the show kind of has a theme of the reincarnation of the spirit of heda, but i wanted to do a more explicit version of that where madi is basically the new heda and clarke has to train her in the wake of lexa’s death which is fucking different btw lmao. 
> 
> this is basically a kind of au where lexa doesn’t die in season 3 and none of this space fucking bullshit happens. The flame is the actual spirit of the commander, which is reincarnated into a single nightblood every generation. There is no conclave. And there is no fucking city of light, fuck that shit.

Clarke wasn’t quite sure what she had expected — she knew that the Grounders would grow increasingly restless as more and more time passed without a new Commander being anointed. The clans became more violent and she could sense the Coalition breaking before her. 

Before her death, Lexa had worked tirelessly to ensure the security and continuation of the Coalition. It was her life’s work and legacy. Clarke refused to be the reason that it fell apart as a result of in-fighting and petty conflict. Lexa had also worked for the legitimacy of the Skaikru within the Grounder world, and Clarke knew that she had to step up for her people, but, more importantly, Lexa’s memory. 

There was a lot at risk here. 

Lexa had entrusted the running of the Coalition to Clarke, as an acting Heda of sorts, when she had laid bleeding out in her arms. Clarke couldn’t let her down now. She had fought for the clans to accept her as their temporary Commander, as she lacked the spirit of Heda, but they eventually recognised the necessity of a head of the alliance, as well as their inability to disobey a decree of Heda’s even if she was dead, and allowed it, as long as the advice and influence of the ambassadors was continued and valued by Clarke. In the past, an acting Commander hadn’t been as needed until the new Heda was discovered, as the clans existed more separately. Now, things were different, and Clarke knew that the Coalition had to be preserved. 

Unrest was growing and dissent lurked in the shadows of Polis, glares and contempt were directed at the figurehead of an alliance that more belligerent clans were beginning to believe was more of a prison than a strength. 

This was why Clarke found herself heading for Titus’ quarters, reluctance sitting heavy in her stomach, weighing on her less-than steely resolve. To her people, Clarke had always been a person who valued duty and sacrifice, with her catchphrase of ‘for my people’ being touted often in affectionate mockery. She supposed that her sense of duty was part of why she found herself facing the most pleasant of her assumed advisors since Lexa’s passing, a man that she had trusted but Clarke herself did not. 

‘Klark of Skaikru.’ Titus greeted her curtly as she walked into his quarters. The man was sat at a dark wooden desk, candles dotted around the room and crackling lowly. He was hunched over a book but turned to face her as she entered. 

Clarke resisted rolling her eyes. She never enforced the traditional greeting of Heda that she perhaps strategically should have when acting as Commander if she wanted to enforce respect and loyalty considering her tenuous position. Regardless of the political weight of such a move, the emotional significance, to her, was far too great for her to even consider it. 

Heda was Lexa, and it always would be. 

‘Titus.’ She responded politely, nodding. ‘May I sit and discuss something with you?’

The man looked apprehensive but nodded, gesturing for her to pull up a chair from the edge of the room and face him. His expression was guarded, and Clarke somehow knew that this conversation would likely spiral into something that she wouldn’t be able to control — it always did these days. 

‘What can I do for you, Klark?’

‘The Coalition is crumbling.’ She wasn’t here to beat around the bush, and Titus barely raised an eyebrow at her abrupt and blunt tone. Lexa had left Clarke to handle things, and for nine years, she had done all that she could do to honour that request, but matters were becoming more pressing. ‘The clans grow more restless daily. At first, when Lexa passed, they were understanding and patient but now, the ambassadors strike at every sign of weakness. They know that I am not supposed to be their leader. This is not my role, Titus.’

Clarke couldn’t help but sigh and run a hand roughly through her hair. She left it down, never bothering with the costume and theatrics that accompanied the role of Heda in the same way that Lexa had to. Clarke was the leader of Skaikru and the acting leader of the Coalition, with the blessing and support of the other clans. All the authority that she had over the Grounders rather than the Sky People was given, not taken. Pretending to be something she wasn’t wouldn’t change that. 

Titus regarded her carefully. ‘And what do you propose we do to stop this?’

‘There is nothing we can do until the Flame’s new body is found.’ Talking about the spirit of Heda is such a distant and removed way left a bitter taste in Clarke’s mouth, but while she might only be in this position thanks to the will of Lexa and the ambassadors, she was a politician through and through thanks to Abby. Clarke knew how to lead, and her people had long since realised that Clarke, only seventeen when she came to be their leader, was their best bet. Now thirty-two, Clarke was tired of keeping the ambassadors at bay and hopeful for the ascension of a new Commander. 

Titus looked at her expectantly, as if asking her once more for her reason for disturbing him. Clarke sighed again. ‘More than anything, I want to know if there’s any news from the search.’

Since Lexa’s death, Flamekeeper scouts had scoured the land for any child with the sign of Heda’s spirit within them: the distinctive black blood. The search was yet to yield any results, and time was running out. A replacement for Lexa would have to be found soon. 

‘I have heard of some success.’ Titus said carefully, his words measured and his face purposefully blank. Clarke tried to stamp down on the wealth of emotions that stirred in her at his words, instead waiting for him to continue. ‘It is my belief that some of the scouts have found Heda.’

Her breath caught in her throat. There was anger burning in her insides, solidifying in the way that her hands curled into white-knucked fists. Titus was playing a dangerous game keeping this information from her until she had forced it from him. It was clear that he wanted to control this prospective Commander, and Clarke couldn’t let that happen. But, beneath the anger lay more complex emotions that she couldn’t presently address.

‘I want all the information that there is on this child brought to me. I also want a full explanation as to why this was not brought to my attention earlier, Titus. I may not have the spirit, but I am all there is until this child is confirmed to be the new Heda.’

The Flamekeeper paled slightly before her, and nodded jerkily. He was a fool in truth, dressing his fear and his arrogance in pretty words and values such as tradition. Keeping him as an advisor had been a mere nod to Lexa’s own value of his knowledge and the need to keep a familiar presence close to her in order to reassure the ambassadors that Skaikru was not using Lexa’s death as an opportunity for some sort of coup.

‘Yes, Klark.’ Titus acquiesced, and Clarke rose stiffly and left, not bothering to bid a formal goodbye. There was much that had to be seen to in the wake of this revelation. She pondered the issue as she strode through the halls of the tower, nodding in greeting at the guards as she passed. 

On one hand, this was what Clarke had, in a practical sense, known was necessary: she couldn’t keep the clans at bay and content with her position forever, and a formal and proper Commander would only strengthen the Coalition. However, that was part of the issue; this new Heda, if they turned out to really be a vessel for the spirit, was a complete unknown. They did not know if the Coalition would be seen as an asset to this child, or if they would lean towards war. They could be cruel and yearn for conflict, or they could be soft and unaware of the real dangers that could come with this position. 

Finally, she reached her quarters, where Miller and Bellamy were posted at the door as her personal guards. The position of temporary Heda meant that she couldn’t fill her guard ranks with only Skaikru personnel, but Clarke was thankful that the rota had resulted with these two being with her as the work of the past nine years seemed to be coming to a close. 

‘Clarke.’ Bellamy greeted her with a warm smile, a layer of sincerity and honesty present in his relaxed stance that was rare in Polis. She nodded at him, her exhaustion preventing her from stopping to converse with her friends as she normally would. ‘Both of you, give me a few minutes alone to think and decompress, and then when the guard switches, come in.’ She instructed and the two of them nodded. 

She entered her quarters, and past memories hit her in a way that they hadn’t in a long time. These had been the same rooms that she had shared with Lexa, and there seemed to be remnants of the woman she had loved all over the room. Despite all the years that had passed, it was like the ghost of Lexa still graced the room. The ghost of _Lexa_ not Heda, the position that had taken everything from both of them. It was being the Commander that had killed Lexa and had taken the only thing that Clarke had found worth loving on the ground. 

Her hands were shaking, she now noticed, as she took a seat on the edge of the bed, adorned with furs and pelts. She clenched them into fists and clutched at the sheets she sat on. Clarke felt dangerously close to tears as emotions that she had tried to suppress and fight off finally reached the surface after years. Bile rose in her throat and she bitterly swallowed it back. 

Clarke had fallen from the sky around fifteen years ago, and, as knowledgeable and secure in her understanding of the practices of the Grounders as she was, she had never been able to view Lexa in the way that others did: as a vessel, to be revered but ultimately temporary. Clarke had known that death was inevitable for them all, more so for figures such as Lexa and herself, both honoured as leaders by their people. But the idea of Heda was something different. It seemed so callous to think of Lexa as anything other than her own person, a leader in her own right and so much more than that. 

Lexa had been everything to Clarke. It stung to try to think of her as just the Commander, nothing more than a service and figurehead of her people, someone who would die and pass on, leaving a gap that would be filled. Lexa had died, yes, but she could never be replaced. Not for Clarke. Not ever. 

It was a while before Miller and Bellamy entered her quarters, with the guards from Ingranronakru now posted on her door for their shift. A rotating schedule was deemed best by the ambassadors to keep her safe and to make sure that Skaikru wasn’t seizing too much power in the capital. 

‘Clarke?’ Miller’s raspy voice broke her out of her thoughts, and she looked up shakily to him. Bellamy and Miller rushed to her side, concern etched into every crease of their expressions, but Clarke felt horrifically numb even as they took hold of her shaking hands. 

‘What’s wrong, Griffin?’ Bellamy pressed, and a while passed before Clarke was able to answer. Even then, her voice was small and unsure as she spoke:

‘Lexa. She’s back.’

Confusion crossed both of their faces before Miller’s expression cleared with painful understanding. His eyes bore into Clarke as he stared at her, and she felt sick at the pity in his voice when he spoke. ‘Heda. The Flame has found a new vessel?’

Bellamy finally understood, and his eyebrows drew together, creating a crease in his brow, in concern. ‘Clarke. You need to breathe. Don’t think about anything other than breathing steady.’

Regardless of the fact that she knew that he was just trying to help her, his words ignited feeling where before there had settled empty stillness. She exploded from her position sitting on the edge of the bed, pushing both Miller and Bellamy away. 

‘Don’t think about it?! Bell, she’s been all I’ve thought of for the past nine years when I haven’t been trying to keep these clans together through the sheer force of blood, sweat, tears and a fuckload of prayers!’ Clarke yelled, running a hand through her tangled hair in frustration. She felt like she was coming apart at the seams. She had been standing at the edge of a cliff for so long, teetering over the brink, and the reminders of Lexa felt like the final shove she had been waiting for all these years.

‘Clarke!’ Miller’s voice was harsh but full of care as he took a hold of her shoulders. ‘Pull yourself together! Calm down and let’s talk, okay!’

She barely heard him through the deafening sound of her own heart in her ears, but she allowed him to pull her down into a sitting position as they all settled on the floor. 

‘I miss her.’ She breathed out eventually, staring at the floor beneath her. She couldn’t look at the boys and see the pity that burned so bright in their eyes. She should be able to handle this, and it hurt to fail, though she supposed there was no way to fail at grief. 

‘I know.’ Bellamy said, his voice low and hollow. ‘I wish I could change it, Clarke. But she’s gone. This new Heda, it has Lexa’s reincarnated spirit, but it isn’t Lexa. You know that.’

She did, Clarke thought to herself bitterly. She knew that all too well. And that was why it hurt.

\--

Madi was brought forward. She had been prepared for the occasion, understanding drummed into her about what she was about to undertake. She bore the traditional markings of Louwoda Kliron Kru, and Clarke could see the fear that lingered in her eyes just as much as she could see the steely resolve that shone through the set of her jaw and shoulders. She had tried to avoid the girl, to the disapproval of both the ambassadors and her friends, and something in her uneasily shifted as she finally faced her now.

She didn’t look too much like Lexa, and in a way Clarke found it disappointing, but she also knew that it was easier. The girl was paler than Lexa had ever been, and younger than Clarke had ever thought her lover could be. Yes, she knew that Lexa had once been a child, but often it seemed as though she had come out of the womb with the steely confidence and nerve that she used to govern. Clarke almost turned to her side to whisper something along those lines to Lexa, a teasing smile already making its way onto her face, before she remembered that the very nature of this situation meant that Lexa wasn’t here to hear her joking remarks. Nine years and Clarke still found moments like this as disorientating and disarming as a strike to the gut. 

Still, this girl, even with her rounded cheeks, bluer eyes and innocent glow, was a shadow of someone that Clarke had loved all the same, and the pain that flickered in her chest was both familiar and new in its ache. It always surprised her how much Lexa’s death still hurt years later, 

Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she had expected, or even wanted, from this new Commander-to-be. Wanted was a bad word to use — Clarke didn’t want any of this. Clarke didn’t want to see the new Heda kneel, the girl clearly nervous and hiding it badly. She didn’t want to have to pretend that she was fine with this, facing the ambassadors and facing this new child as Titus recited traditional words and rites that Clarke didn’t care to listen to. She wanted Lexa, and she wanted to be left in peace and to claim happiness that she was becoming more and more convinced she wasn’t going to be allowed. 

Madi rose as Titus finished the rites, the traditional dress of the Commander wearing her more than she wore them. Still, the black paint covering her face in the form of two stripes on either side from her hairline to base of nose over her eyes brought out an intensity in her stare that Clarke hadn’t seen in nine year. Heda turned to look at Clarke, standing behind Titus, as if she sought her out amongst the crowd of strangers, and for a second, it was as if she was looking at Lexa again, like the spirit of the woman she had once known so well was so close to the surface of this girl that Clarke had been trusted with.

The moment passed, and Clarke was left with a bitter taste in her mouth, shaking hands, and the memory of ghosts haunting her more than they ever used to. 

\--

The first time Madi comes to see Clarke, she was surprised, and strangely guilty, to find that her first thought wasn’t one of Lexa, but about Madi herself. The girl was so young. Too young. Lexa had died nine years ago, and the girl before her showed that youth in a way that couldn’t be reconciled with the adornings that were supposed to demonstrate her position. She looked like a child playing dress up. Clarke couldn’t help but smile as the thought crossed her mind that Madi was exactly that, no comparison needed. Without the training to be the Commander, dress up was all that she was doing, black blood and ambassadors’ bows aside. That training was obviously lacking. Shadow Valley didn’t start its children as seconds until they were a bit older than Madi and it suddenly struck Clarke that they were working from nothing here. 

Still, the girl regarded her carefully, and Clarke couldn’t help but see the shadow of Lexa’s own calculating gaze beneath the different eyes set into a different face. Perhaps the Commander’s spirit would be somewhat helpful for this, and it really was more than just having black blood. 

‘Klark kom Skaikru.’ Madi greeted her formally. A tone with such respect almost caught Clarke off-guard, but she did her best not to show it. 

‘Madi kom Louwoda Klironkru.’ Clarke intoned in equal respect. This was the Commander after all, regardless of the vessel. She had to learn that sooner or later, and, judging back the familiar flickers of pain in her chest, it would be better to learn that lesson quickly. 

‘You are to be my teacher?’ Madi asked, and it was clear that she was surprised by this in some way. 

Clarke nodded, before smiling slightly. ‘If that is acceptable, Heda.’

They both knew that this was a respect that was necessary, and, to some extent, genuine but also performative. Madi may be the new Commander, but Clarke had the control here, even if she was just an ambassador now. The girl nodded, a light flush covering her cheeks as she took in her new teacher. 

Clarke moved towards one of the chairs in the room, taking a seat as she looked over Madi. The move could have been taken as disrespectful, but Madi did not seem to be the type to care for grandeur. She had been raised in an ordinary village by an ordinary family from all reports, with a presence so small that it had taken nine years to find her. Flamekeeper scouts normally find the new Heda quickly to prevent power vacuums like the one that Clarke had had to navigate but Madi had evaded them for longer than most thought possible. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if that was purposeful. 

‘You knew Lexa kom Trikru.’

The words were blunt, and sharp in their truth just as they were sharp in their inability to capture anything about Clarke and Lexa’s relationship. ‘You could say that.’ She acquiesced carefully.

Madi smiled. ‘You were bonded. That is why you acted as Heda for so long.’

Clarke knew that this was common knowledge but it had been a long time since anyone had tried to talk to her about Lexa. People had long since learned to avoid the topic. But Madi was young and unaware of a lot of things. To her, bonded just mean that Clarke and Lexa had been close and a pair. She had no idea of the layers and depth of emotion that were involved in life. Still, she seemed naturally sharp enough, and it was Clarke’s job to teach and educate this new Commander. 

‘Indeed.’ She said, fighting the urge to snap or close herself off. Instead she continued in a moderated and controlled tone. ‘We were bonded. But I am the leader of my own people, Madi kom Louwoda Klironkru, not a puppet or tool of any Commander. I am not just your trainer, but one of the ambassadors who you will learn to deal with. Do not think of me or Lexa as blinded by any sort of emotion.’

Madi nodded, a flicker of regret crossing her face. ‘Of course, Klark. Apologies.’ Clarke dismissed the worries with a wave of her hand. Still, the frown on the girl’s face remained, her brow furrowed in a way that reminded Clarke so much of Lexa that it was like a slap to the face. 

‘What have the other advisors told you about being Heda?’ Clarke began with a sigh, gesturing for Madi to take the seat opposite her. The girl did so, but looked uncomfortable as she stared at her hands. The crease between her eyebrows deepened, a frown of discomfort rather than one of guilt as before. 

‘I am sorry, Klark, but I know little.’

Clarke softened. This was still a child, Heda or not. ‘There is nothing to forgive, Madi. Our training starts next week.’ Surprise flickered across the girl’s face, and she had to hold back a laugh as she explained. ‘You are hardly nine summers old. You cannot be expected to know everything. This is why I am here.’

‘And what of the Coalition?’ Madi asked, concern etched into the creases of her young face. ‘What will become of it while I am trained? Surely I must become a true Heda as soon as possible?’

Clarke leaned back in her seat. Madi raised a good point but one that her and the other ambassadors had considered. ‘The Coalition has survived the past nine years. Your existence puts us in a better position than we have been in since Lexa’s death. We will continue to survive until you are ready to truly take the throne.’

Madi looked down, staring at her hands once more as she fidgeted. ‘I am Heda. I should not have to trust others to run my people for me.’

‘You are also a child. You will learn, and you will be a great Commander. But not yet. Soon you will be. Trust me, Madi.’

‘Greater than Lexa kom Trikru?’ Madi’s voice was full of awe and wonder. ‘She is considered the greatest Heda in history by all of our people.’

Clarke winced. It was good to hear glowing praise for the woman she had loved and admired but the lingering ache flared for a second. ‘You will do well to remember that Lexa is not just a piece of history, Madi.’ 

The girl flushed bright red, but didn’t apologise. Clarke was pretty sure that that was better. 

\--

‘Clarke.’ 

She looked up from the papers scattered across her desk. Kane’s requests would be difficult to negotiate from the other ambassadors, but she commanded enough respect amongst the clans for most of it to pass eventually. Often, Clarke couldn’t help but thank some of her more murder-y acts, like destroying the mountain: it had ensured that enough of the Grounders were unwilling to cross her. 

‘Bellamy.’ she greeted, a genuine smile crossing her face for the first time in a while. ‘What’s up?’

He sighed, and Clarke instantly sobered. She knew, from the creases in his frown, that this was going to be a conversation she would rather not have.

‘The ambassadors are calling an emergency meeting.’

Clarke hated the ambassadors. 

With her reluctance evident in every move she made, she rose slowly from the desk. Bellamy winced slightly in sympathy. He knew how much she hated dealing with the representatives of the other clans. ‘With me, Bell.’ She gestured for him to follow with a flick of her hand, and he fell into step behind her. He cut an imposing figure, one of the best warriors in Polis these days around, and her personal guard whenever she could swing it. 

‘Any idea what this about, Bell?’ She tried, trying to mask her exhaustion.

‘Sorry, Clarke, but I’ve got nothing but a summons.’ 

Clarke frowned. ‘Brilliant.’ She murmured, before turning the corner and entering the meeting room. Each of the representatives of the other clans were sat around a large circular table, the only source of light being the candles lining the room.

‘Klark.’ Alain, the delegate from Trishanakru and one of the only people in the room she trusted not to betray her at the first opportunity, greeted her as she entered. She nodded to the man in return and greeted the rest of the ambassadors in the same way. The mood in the room was tense, and Clarke knew that this wasn’t going to be the highlight of her day. 

Niylah smiled warmly at Clarke, and she couldn’t help the way that her mood brightened slightly. Niylah was no more than a friend, but she had been her most valued ally in the past years. She had become an ambassador for Triku due to her friendship with Clarke once the clan had seen how close she was with Lexa. They figured that once Lexa died and Clarke was trusted within the coalition, having such a powerful ally favour their ambassador would only further strengthen the standing of their clan. 

Whilst Clarke wasn’t the biggest fan of manipulative politics, and was a big believer of only doing what was necessary, she had to admit that the Trikru’s tactic had worked and Niylah had presented a natural ally for her. However, she had no complaints about it working for the Trikru clan as she needed all the help she could have gotten throughout nine years of trying to keep the clans from attacking each other, and Trikru was a powerful force. 

‘What business justifies this meeting?’ Clarke asked as she took her seat. A couple of the ambassadors straightened in their seats as the meeting began, Clarke being the last of their number to arrive. 

‘It is Heda.’ Alain began, a grave expression taking over his face. Clarke stiffened and had to focus on keeping her shoulders straight and spine rigid. Madi was still so new in this game of politics and power. She owed it to the girl, to Lexa’s reincarnated spirit, to keep her safe. 

The representative from Delfikru, a truly huge man called Garthar, grumbled and growled. ‘She is weak.’

‘She is a child.’ Clarke retorted, trying to keep her anger as in check as possible. Behind her, Bellamy laid a hand on her shoulder, a reminder to keep ahold of her temper. 

Garthar ground out what sounded like an acknowledgement of Madi’s youth, before continuing, ‘Delfikru understands the importance of training the girl properly, but I also must stress the fact that we will not allow a Trikru and Skaikru alliance to dominate the control and governing of these Coalition.’

‘Garthar kom Delfikru, if you have a problem with the decisions that are passed by the council present here, remember that Trikru and Skaikru form only two members of this body.’ Niylah chipped in, leaning forward. It always surprised Clarke just how formidable the other woman actually was as a politician. 

Terek, the delegate from Sangedakru, scoffed. He was a snake of a man, oily in every regard, and Clarke felt her face form a tired frown as he opened his mouth merely in anticipation of the bile he would spew. ‘Now, do not presume to believe that we would buy that Trikru and Skaikru are without other allies here.’

Alain frowned. ‘Terek kom Sangedakru, do you truly believe that we are forming a separate alliance? If you feel the needs of your people are not being met, believe me when I say that you have the full support of Trishanakru, and, whilst I don’t presume to speak for Klark kom Skaikru and Niylah kom Trikru, their support will surely be provided too. This Coalition was formed for the benefit of all people. However, do not allow paranoia to blind you to the advantages inherent in this alliance and turn the situation into a conspiracy.’

‘Well spoke, Alain kom Trishanakru,’ Clarke acknowledged, before turning to the rest of the ambassadors. ‘Skaikru does not mean to presume any level of power that we would not be given under any Heda. We are a new clan, but we were trusted by Heda Lexa kom Trikru and have proved our worthiness time and time again. The situation with the current Heda and the Coalition is unique. Power will find its balance, if you feel that it has not reached that point yet. Allow our Commander to grow and learn under the tutelage of all the clans. She will prove worthy of the spirit that has taken hold of her, and she will guide us all into a new age of peace and prosperity.’

Terek and Vasha, the ambassador of Boudalankru and Terek’s main ally, nodded reluctantly, raising half hearted cheers alongside the other delegates. Niylah sent Clarke a secret smile that showed her approval of her words and, strengthened by the reaction to her assertions, Clarke turned to Echo, who had risen to become Azgeda’s ambassador — her position as an assassin meant she had managed a better understanding of politics than most, though she was still quick to violence.

‘What say you, Echo kom Azgedakru?’

Azgeda was an important nation. Lexa had managed to make peace with the clan through Roan, but after her death, Clarke still found that it presented a problem more often than not. Many of its higher-ups still preferred the ways of Nia, though its people were no longer living in fear. Echo was not one of those people, long having since come around to Lexa and her allies’ way of thinking. That was in large part thanks to Bellamy’s “persuasion”. 

Hey, if their relationship helped Clarke keep the peace, it had her blessing and more. 

Echo rose, her face stony. ‘My nation once believed that the Coalition was more limiting than strengthening, and that anything other than forcing others to submit was weakness. We are cold in more ways than one. Heda Lexa kom Trikru showed my people another way. I represent my people, not just the will of King Roan. My people are strengthened by this alliance, and my King gives me the power to do what is necessary to keep this Coalition intact and benefiting us all. Let us find peace and strength together. Klark kom Skaikru, you have led us, at the will of Heda Lexa, for the past nine years and you have led us well. You have shown no reason for the clans not to place their trust in you to show our new Heda how to lead and how to fight. However, Azgedakru insists that no clan be given total power of our new Heda. You have our trust, Klark, but we will not allow any attempt to make a puppet out of Heda Madi kom Louwoda Klironkru.’

Clarke raised a shout of support alongside her fellow ambassadors. ‘Skaikru supports you and Azgeda fully, Echo kom Azgedakru.’ The other woman allowed a small smile to pass through her blank expression. ‘We wish only to guide the new Heda and agree no clan should have too much sway over her.’

The meeting continued as Clarke leaned back in her seat, but the main issue had been dealt with. The dissenting clans had been assured and there was little else that Clarke could do. She had made it clear that there was little any of the clans could do until Madi had completed training. Still, the presumption of a secret alliance trying to control the Coalition worried Clarke. Precautions would have to be made to ensure that there would be no basis for any clan to claim that Madi was being puppeted later in her reign. 

‘You did good.’ Bellamy commented as they left the meeting room, walking a few steps behind her. Clarke chuckled. 

‘Thank you, Bell. When is your next leave?’ 

She didn’t have to turn around to know that he was grinning as he said, ‘Next week. I’m gonna ask Echo to come back to Arcadia with me. Maybe see if Octavia is around.’ She smiled despite the dull ache that flared deep in her chest. Clarke was happy that Bellamy had built himself a family, but, with everything that had happened recently with Madi, Bellamy’s happy life seemed only to remind her of everything that she had lost.

‘Tell my mom hi from me. Kane too. And that I’m doing everything I can to get his requests passed through.’

Bellamy sighed. ‘Clarke you have to go home at some point. You haven’t seen Abby in weeks.’

Silence hung heavy between them. There was a wealth of words on her lips, aching to be spoken, but Clarke kept them all at bay. Arcadia wasn’t the same anymore. She had built a life here, in Polis, with Lexa. Abandoning that in any way felt like abandoning all that she had left of Lexa. If she went to Arcadia, she was afraid she would never leave it. 

It was only once they were almost back to her quarters that she spoke again, turning on her heel to face Bellamy. ‘Send Raven when you’re back in Arcadia. Madi should have an understanding of tech that the Grounders never had before. She is young enough to learn.’

He sighed once more, heavy and deep in a way that Clarke was reluctant to examine. ‘Yes, Clarke.’

‘Thank you, Bell.’ The man merely nodded as she left him at the door and entered her quarters. She wasn’t sure if he had caught the shaking of her hands as they spoke that she had disguised by clenching them into fists, but now was certainly not the time to get caught up in emotions and drama. The Coalition needed stability more than ever, and Skaikru needed the Coalition to stay alive. They would be the first enemy of those not in favour with Trikru. Lexa had united the clans, but even now separate loyalties and divides remained. 

\--

Raven arrived the next week, her normal maverick attitude slightly subdued. Clarke almost asked what was wrong before she noticed the glances Raven had been sending her: weighty looks full of what Raven likely meant as sympathy but only seemed like pity to Clarke. She fought not to say anything, biting the inside of her cheek so hard that bled. 

She had never been praised for her restraint. 

Still, it was easier with Raven around. Bellamy was suffocating in his concern and protectiveness — the other woman was a little more understanding of grief, Clarke thought as she grimly remembered Finn, memories of him tied and bleeding, with the knife in Clarke’s hand, flashing through her head. 

Madi took a shine to Raven too: most of the ambassadors were cold and respectful towards the new Heda but Clarke and her people were more inclined to just see her as a little kid. A little kid with a large burden to bear, and Clarke was intent to do whatever it took to help her. 

‘Your little project is actually not a total idiot.’ Raven told her one afternoon, when the afternoon sun had turned the inside of Clarke’s quarters to glowing gold and she couldn’t muster the energy or masochism to look over any of her communications with Kane or the other clans. Instead, she sat with Raven, watching the clouds out of the window and remembering when she had felt an entirely different kind of warmth whilst in this room — a warmth from love and safety and security in the company of one long gone. It seemed Clarke was only ever haunted by the ghosts of memories these days. 

Clarke snorted. ‘Wow, really? From you, that’s a rather large compliment.’ 

Raven laughed and threw her head back as she lazed in a chair pulled up near Clarke’s desk. ‘True.’ She admitted, before cocking her head. ‘She could be good, though.’ 

‘You’re not stealing Heda to make her into a mechanic, Raven, regardless of how much you want a little grease monkey minion.’ Clarke told her firmly, though she couldn’t keep the grin off her face, especially at the image of Madi in overalls, covered in grime and oil. The girl would probably love it — she really had taken to Raven’s science explanations like a duck to water. Clarke was pretty sure that she preferred it to sword fighting. 

‘Spoilsport.’ Raven grumbled and Clarke laughed at the genuine pout on her face.

A while passed in silence as Clarke enjoyed the rare peace, though she could feel Raven looking at her and was only waiting for her to say whatever seemed to be weighing her. ‘You know that this isn’t your burden anymore, Clarke.’

‘What do you mean?’

Raven shrugged. ‘Look, Lexa died well. She fell in battle, trying to keep that dissenting clan from ruining both of your hard work on the Coalition. I don’t know if you’ve been blaming yourself or something, but you’ve thrown yourself into replacing Lexa as best you can, and now you don’t have to anymore.’

‘Madi is hardly even a child!’ Clarke began to protest but was quickly waved away by a gesture from Raven as she interrupted her defence. 

‘Not that, I get that you need to train up the kid to lead. Hell, she’s learning from the best — she’s nine and already got a better grasp of these things, thanks to you, than most adults in Arcadia. I mean that it isn’t all on you anymore. There’s an end in sight. You can let go, breathe out, and all that.’

Clarke frowned. She wasn’t sure that Raven was right — she felt like she had been holding her breath since she had watched Lexa fall all those years ago, her horse collapsing beneath her as the enemy swarmed. She remembered the lingering warmth of Lexa’s skin beneath her hands as Clarke had scrambled for a way to stop the bleeding, to keep her hanging on. 

She cut her own thoughts off with a shake of her head, looking back at Raven instead. She had spent too long going down that rabbit hole and she had to keep herself together. Clarke had had enough of scrubbing at her hands to rid it of sticky dried blood that had long since disappeared. Some nights, she could still feel the warmth of it on her hands, too much of it for her to keep in Lexa’s chest.

‘And how am I supposed to do that, Raven?’ 

‘Come home.’ The other woman shrugged. ‘Or not. I mean, I don’t know if you could fit in Arcadia anymore.’ Raven certainly was always blunt. ‘You’ve changed a lot over the years.’

‘We all have.’ Clarke sighed, turning her head back to the window. Sometimes, it was terrifying to think just how much had changed since she had landed on the ground. She wasn’t sure if she would recognise the girl she had been anymore. And she was even less sure if the girl that she had been would want to recognise who she is now. 

Raven smiled, a little sadly, as Clarke turned back to look at her. ‘Yeah, I know.’ There was a certain melancholic tone to her words as she spoke. ‘I don’t know if that’s bad sometimes. But, Clarke, you’ve spent so long holding everyone else together, even when you haven’t been in Arcadia. We’d be dead if it wasn’t for you. You deserve to find some sort of peace’

Clarke was quiet for a moment. She couldn’t help the small smile that creeped onto her face at the mention of peace. She remembered what that felt like. It felt like a soft bed, quiet nights and early mornings. It felt like the warmth of the sun on her skin and the crackling of candles in the corner of the room. It felt like the tingling feeling of a gentle fingertip tracing her skin, and the grace of a blinding smile. 

‘I did find peace, Raven. I just lost it.’

\--

‘You need to keep your guard up.’ Clarke advised as she watched Madi spar with the second of Vasha. The woman herself stood next to Clarke, impassively observing. Madi looked frustrated, but she needed to be pushed. She had all the natural talent and sharpness, but none of the foundations that created a truly formidable fighter. 

The Commander could be nothing other than the strongest of their people, Clarke thought to herself. It was her job to ensure that Madi became such a Commander. 

Clarke watched as Madi pushed harder, but was held back by the force of her frustration and emotions. ‘Vasha.’ She said, turning to the other woman, who regarded her only with a glare. ‘Thank you for your assistance as well as that of your second. May Madi and I speak for a moment alone. She is clearly distressed and I would appreciate the opportunity to reassure her and use this moment to guide her.’

Vasha stared at her silently, and Clarke could feel the suffocating heat of her suspicion. Without a word, she gestured for her second to follow her before turning on her heel and striding out of the training room. Clarke watched them go — Vasha was still hostile towards the clans more closely associated with the Trikru, and seemed to believe that Clarke was making some sort of power play. Relations with Boudalankru, as well as Sangedakru, would have to be repaired. 

She sighed and turned to where Madi stood, a frown painted across her face. ‘Madi. Sit.’ Clarke pulled up the two chairs from the side of the room and gestured for the girl to take a seat. Fire burned in her eyes, and for a second it was like looking into Lexa’s. Clarke shook the moment off, disorientated, as she leaned back in her seat. 

‘What’s wrong?’

Madi looked at her, blinking back tears. ‘What?’

‘You have studied sword fighting theory since before you were discovered as Heda. You have the reflexes, and you have the work ethic. You are holding yourself back, Madi. We are going to talk about why until you aren’t anymore.’

Madi looked surprised, Clarke’s directness taking her back. Silence reigned before the girl spoke again, her tone measured despite the underlying frustration and anger beneath her words. ‘I can hear the voices of the Commanders in my head. My past lives.’ Madi involuntarily screwed her nose up at that, clearly still not entirely sure about the fact that she had past lives. Understandably. 

Clarke nodded as she waited for the girl to continue. ‘I can feel the knowledge in my head. But it belongs to someone else. As much as I know it, my body, myself, doesn’t understand it.’

‘Madi, your people believe that everyone is reincarnated, right? That, in death, our spirits are freed?’ The girl nodded and Clarke pressed on, laying what she hoped was a reassuring hand on her leg. ‘You house the spirit of the strongest, bravest and most honourable member of your people. You are the vessel for the Commander. But you are also a nine year old girl who has never been trained for battle. You cannot expect to leap straight into being what other Commanders were in their prime.’

‘Did you ever see Lexa kom Trikru when she was learning to be the Commander?’ Madi asked. Clarke smiled — she supposed that the girl’s knowledge of history wasn’t extensive enough to know that Clarke’s people hadn’t arrived till years passed since Lexa had ascended to the throne.

‘No, I didn’t,’ she admitted, ‘but I saw her try to learn about my people, something that she was entirely unequipped for.’ Clarke grinned as Madi laughed at that. ‘I also saw her learn later in life. You won’t wake up and just be ready for the throne, Madi. Take it from a leader of their own people: every day you learn how to be better, how to fight harder, how to speak more effectively, how to make better choices. You never stop learning to be a leader, kid.’

Madi sobered at that, and looked down at the floor. Clarke waited, knowing that she was working up to saying something. Eventually, she raised her head and spoke again. ‘You miss her, don’t you?’

Clarke felt her face contort in pain for a second, before she sighed deeply. ‘Yes, I miss her.’ She said honestly. ‘But she is with me every day.’

‘In me? Because I’m her reincarnation?’ Madi asked, making a face at the thought. 

Clarke laughed. ‘No, though it is true that you have her in you. I mean that she is with me in my heart. I carry her memory, her wishes and her love with me wherever I go. As long as I walk the earth, so does Lexa as long as I remember and honour her.’ She sobered as she spoke, but her words were gentle to Madi. 

‘Do you wish that I had not been found?’ Madi asked, looking away again, as if she couldn’t handle the guilt that she would feel if Clarke said yes. Once more, Clarke laughed at the girl, though something in her heart softened slightly. 

‘No, Madi. You will bring stability to all people, including my own. You will be a great Heda. Think of what your people say of Lexa. That she was the greatest Commander ever known, yeah? Well, you are Lexa’s next life. Think of all you could bring.’

The girl frowned. ‘What if I mess up?’ Her voice was thick with fear and Clarke’s heart broke. Youth shone in Madi, and that was being stolen by her cosmic duty. Already, she was more burdened than any nine year old, and handled a blade better than a child should ever have to. Clarke wondered for a moment if this system was just: a system where the love of her life was always going to be stolen from her, and she had to watch as she returned in the body of a stranger. But also a system where she returned to lead in the body of a child; a child that was expected to deal with war and suffering and hardship. 

‘You have the support of the clans and the ambassadors behind you, Madi.’ Clarke firmly assured her. ‘But, more than that, you have the support of the Commanders of the past. All your past lives. You have more than their battle instincts. You have their wisdom and their guidance once you learn how to draw on it.’ 

‘You mean one day I’ll hear them properly?’ Madi asked and Clarke nodded. ‘Will anyone else be able to hear them?’ 

‘No, they are yours and yours alone.’ Clarke explained.

Madi’s face fell. ‘Oh. I am sorry. I had hoped that I might help you talk to Lexa again.’

Clarke fought the tears that threatened to bloom in her eyes as she took a steadying breath. ‘Lexa is gone, Madi. Gone for me. She will be there to help and guide you, but that is all. If you want my advice, though, Lexa was the wisest person I ever knew. Her choices were not always kind, but they were rooted in an unyielding love for her people. The other Commanders were not always so virtuous. Whenever possible, listen to her.’ 

Madi nodded shakily, and Clarke suddenly felt overwhelmed, her throat and chest tight. 

‘That’s all for today, kid.’ She said, patting her on the shoulder and rising as Madi looked at her confused. ‘You’ve done well, and tomorrow you’ll do better. Every day is another step, okay?’

The girl nodded, before rising and striding out of the room. ‘Thank you, Klark.’ Clarke smiled as she watched Madi turn and leave, before sitting back down with a heavy sigh. She leaned back in her chair and for a moment she could have sworn that she felt the familiar warmth of a hand on her knee. Lexa had been the only one stupid enough to do someting like that to Clarke. 

‘You’d have loved who your spirit chose, Lexa.’ Clexa whispered, smiling as she stared at the ceiling. ‘She’s got your bite. Or she will, once she knows how to use it.’

‘Well, teach her your kindness, Clarke kom Skaikru. Teach her to lead better than you or I ever could.’


End file.
